Recently, I had the opportunity to interview none other than the great Gaston. He was quick to inform me that no one is admired as much as he in this village. People seem impressed with large necks and dimpled chins in France. I asked if we could begin the interview with a spitting match, but he said he hadn’t been drinking enough water lately and is a little cotton-mouthed. He said to be careful of the popcorn cart made by Belle’s father. He said to focus on “real man’s food” at his Tavern.
Only true fans understand the deep contemplications and ponderizings of Gaston. When I asked him what books he had read lately, he said he prefers the movie over the book. “Books are for bakers to help them cook delicious cinnamon rolls. Have you tried one of my cinnamon rolls. They are almost as large as my brain!”
“Hold on a second, someone needs to admire my muscles! Ok, fine, I’ll do it myself. Did you know that it takes exactly 60 eggs per day to get this physique? Mere mortals can only slurp down 2 or 3 of those daily.” When asked how he prefers them prepared, he said in the shells is just fine. He’ll eat them shells and all. Said it’s good for bone growth and cleans the teeth at the same time. When I asked if he is concerned about his cholesterol levels, he said, “I don’t worry about things I can’t spell.” He asked if I had any pictures of this Quafestril.
“Is that a pork shank? Those are larger and better for you than those tiny Turkey appendages. I killed that giant, tusked beast and placed his head upon my wall. Don’t forget to slurp down an Apple Slushie, um Lefou’s Brew, while you’re here!” When I asked why the heads on the wall of the Tavern are so small, he said they appear small in perspective to his immense personality.
As we began discussing his love life, Gaston demonstrated the proper technique for shooting an arrow of love into a young lady’s heart. He said he has 323 offers for marriage in the village (There’s only 11 girls but they offer a lot) but he is just waiting on Belle to “come to her senses.” “All she is interested in is nonsense books and fairy tales. It’s not even right that women should read! They get their heads full of nonsense ‘ideas’ and ‘thinking.’ Have you seen the guy that Belle has fallen for? She calls ME primeval?” “Can’t you see me and Belle in a rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting on the fire, and my little wife massaging my feet, while the little ones playing on the floor with the dogs. We’ll have six or seven.” “Dogs?” I asked. “Strapping young men!” he replied. “Wouldn’t the world be a better place with more of ME?”
Gaston was so intimidated by my muscles, that he had to look away in embarrassment. “Dismissed! Rejected! Publicly Humiliated! Why, it’s more than I can bear.”